my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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