The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
whose ass print is on the piano?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
