My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
