I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
