easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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