i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i will never coherently bang her
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
