I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
