Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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