Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Someone signed my nipple.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
