I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
