Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
