I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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