What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
