You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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