Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
