So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
