I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
