oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize