i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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