After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
