Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
