I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
