someone threw a dead crab at me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
