True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
