You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i think im in europe. pls send help
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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