Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
