Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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