I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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