I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
nutella sex= disaster
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
