i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
