am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize