dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
