I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
