Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Acid is not a monday night drug
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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