She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
