my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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