tell your sister to shave her snatch
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
