I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
