First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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