So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The Olympian is in my bed
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
