im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
