i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
