If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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