Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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