just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
