So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
