my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
