the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
