good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
