WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
