I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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