i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
