I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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