Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
