i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
