Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
