youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
even my farts smell like vagina
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
