i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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