Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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