I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize