I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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