he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
