hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
