I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
