birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize